Beliefs Create our Experiences

Our beliefs strongly influence our behavior. They motivate us and shape what we do. For instance, it is difficult to learn anything without the belief that it will be pleasant and to our advantage. What are beliefs? How are they formed and how do we maintain them?

Beliefs come from many sources – upbringing, imitation of significant others, conclusions as a result of past traumas, and repetitive experiences. We build beliefs by generalizing from our experiences of the world and those of other people. Some beliefs come to us ready made from the culture and environment we are born into. When we are young, we believe what we are told about ourselves and the world, because we have no way of testing, and these beliefs may persist unmodified by our later achievements, because they had parental authority and became embedded as unconscious and subconscious commands in our Ego.

Our beliefs are a very powerful force in our behavior. It is common wisdom that if someone really believes he can do something he will do it, and if he believes something is impossible no amount of effort will convince him that it can be accomplished. What is unfortunate is that many sick people, such as those with cancer or heart disease, will often present their doctors and friends with the same belief mentioned in the story above. Beliefs like “It’s too late now;” “There’s nothing I can do anyway;” “I’m a victim…My number came up;” can often limit the full resources of the patient. Our beliefs about ourselves and what is possible in the world around us greatly impact our day-to-day effectiveness. All of us have beliefs that serve as resources as well as beliefs that limit us.

Yet, if indeed our beliefs are so powerful a force in our lives, how do we get control of them so they don’t control us? Many of our beliefs were installed in us as children by parents, teachers, social upbringing and the media before we were aware of their impact or able to have a choice about them. Is it possible to restructure, unlearn or change old beliefs that may be limiting us and imprint new ones that can expand our potential beyond what we currently imagine? If so, how do we do it?

Neuro-Net Programming (NNP) provides perhaps the most powerful and exciting model of the mind and set of behavioral tools in existence. Through the processes of NNP, beliefs and belief strategies may be explicitly mapped and directed. The three most common areas of limiting beliefs center around issues of hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness. These three areas of belief can exert a great deal of influence with respect to a person’s mental and physical health.

Hopelessness occurs when someone does not believe a particular desired goal is even possible. It is characterized by a sense that, “No matter what I do it won’t make a difference. What I want is not possible to get. It’s out of my control. I’m a victim.”

Helplessness occurs when, even though he or she believes that the outcome exists and is possible to achieve, a person does not believe that he or she is capable of attaining it. It produces a sense that, “It’s possible for others to achieve this goal but not for me. I’m not good enough or capable enough to accomplish it.”

Worthlessness occurs when, even though a person may believe that the desired goal is possible and that he or she even has the capability to accomplish it, that individual believes that he or she doesn’t deserve to get what he/she wants. It is often characterized by a sense that, “I am a fake. I don’t belong. I don’t deserve to be happy or healthy. There is something basically and fundamentally wrong with me as a person and I deserve the pain and suffering that I am experiencing.” NNP offers specific techniques to elegantly and effectively help people to shift these types of limiting beliefs to beliefs involving hope for the future, a sense of capability and responsibility, and a sense of self-worth and belonging.

When we believe something we act as if it is true; we have then made an investment of effort. This makes it difficult to disprove; beliefs act as perceptual filters – events are interpreted in terms of the belief, and ‘exceptions prove the rule’. Beliefs are not just maps of what has happened, but blueprints for future actions. Positive beliefs are permissions that turn on our capabilities; they are permissions to play and explore in the world of possibility. Limiting beliefs on the other hand, usually center around, ‘I can’t…’ This may be a valid statement at the present moment, but believing it is a description of your capability now and in the future, will program your mind to fail, as it will prevent you finding out your potential capability. Limiting beliefs have no valid basis in experience.

 Beliefs can be a matter of choice. They change and develop. We think of ourselves differently, we marry, divorce, change friendships and act differently because our beliefs change. We have each created many beliefs about our possibilities and what is important in life, and we can change them.

New Ways of Dealing with Depression

By: Deepak Chopra

Belief #1: Depression is directly linked to stress.

In other words, if awful things happen to you, you will become depressed. Stressors include loss of a loved one, a failed job, bad relationship, tragic accident or major financial loss. We call these depressing events, but Redei found that the genes related to stress are totally different from those related to depression.

Belief #2: Depressed people have chemical imbalances in their brains.

For 20 years, researchers have repeated the mantra that low levels of essential messenger molecules—serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine—lead to depression. “My brain made me feel this way” seems so logical that antidepressants almost entirely work by manipulating levels of neurotransmitters in the brain. But Redei found no depletion of genes that produce these chemicals in depressed people.

It’s a wonder, given the false basis of the theory, that any of these drugs work. And some researchers suggest that they don’t, but depend, in fact, on a strong placebo response in the patients who are helped. To get back to square one, Redei suggests something that should have been obvious all along: Depression starts higher up than chemicals. It starts with the formation and functioning of neurons. To put it in layman’s language, the brain cells in depressed people are adapted to express their depression. This takes the form of neural pathways that carry a message of sadness and hopelessness instead of those pathways that carry a message of happiness and optimism.

Depression starts higher up than chemicals. It starts with the formation and functioning of neurons. To put it in layman’s language, the brain cells in depressed people are adapted to express their depression. This takes the form of neural pathways that carry a message of sadness and hopelessness instead of those pathways that carry a message of happiness and optimism.Being a laboratory researcher, Redei takes her shattering conclusion and heads off in much the same direction as before: She wants to find newer, better drugs that will manipulate genes and neurons rather than manipulating the chemicals they produce. Yet there is a more logical way to proceed, which is to stop making depressed neural pathways and healing those that already exist.

How to do that? Current research is very optimistic, because it turns out that the positive lifestyle changes advised for such a long time actually change both genetic expression and neural pathways. In other words, your brain cells listen to your behavior and beliefs, and if those behaviors and beliefs are powerful enough, the brain changes. What this means is that therapy, spiritual practices, healthy relationships, love and compassion, avoidance of toxins, meditation and stress management aren’t secondary. They are central to dealing with depression and anxiety.

The deep lesson emerging from Redei’s new findings is that drugs will never be the way. The way is far more human, and therefore complicated. It would be nice if popping a pill improved your life, but only you can do that. The ball is back in the court of the human potential movement and its promise of higher consciousness as the road to health and wholeness. I for one view that as a great improvement over drugs, which can be saved for critical and chronic conditions when more human strategies have not worked.

Embrace the Shadow

Shame, guilt and fear cannot be accessed by thinking. The shadow isn’t a region of thoughts and words. Even when you have a flash of memory and recall such emotions, you are using a part of the higher brain – the cortex – that cannot touch the shadow. The journey of descent begins only when you find the doorway to the lower brain, where experience is sorted out not according to reason but according to intense feelings. There is an ongoing drama inside your lower brain (identified with the limbic system, which processes emotions, and the reptilian brain, which reacts in terms of raw threat and survival).

In this drama, many issues that would be interpreted reasonably by the higher brain – getting stuck in traffic, losing out on a business deal, being passed over at work, having a girl turn you down for a date – trigger irrational responses. Without realizing it, everyday events are causing our lower brain to draw the following conclusions: I am so hurt, I will never recover. They put me in agony. I don’t deserve to exist. Everything is hopeless – I’m lost in the dark forever. Nobody loves me. No matter how free you feel from these shadow energies, they exist inside you. If they didn’t, you would be in a state of total freedom, joy, and unboundedness. You would be in unity, the state of innocence regained when the hidden energy of the shadow has been purified. Today you can begin to learn how to feel your way into the shadow. Shadow energies make themselves known whenever you can’t talk about your feelings. You feel out of control. You feel a flash of panic or dread. You want to feel strongly, but your mind goes blank. You have an irrational dislike for someone, and other such responses. What they have in common is that a boundary is crossed – a controlled situation turns unexpectedly anxious or causes unexpected anger or dread. The next time you experience this, watch and see if you feel guilty or ashamed of yourself afterward; if so, then you have touched, however briefly, on the shadow.

Adapted from The Book of Secrets, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2004).

This is why it is important to be conscious and observe what we feel no matter how uncomfortable. Eckhart calls it the ‘painbody.’ When we learn techniques that allow us to befriend our negative emotions then they are not so scary and we can actually dissolve the shoadow and live from the joy body! Cellular Memory Release is just one tool that allows this new type of energy work that is coming forth.

3 Easy Steps to Transforming Your Own Pain Body

                          1. Watch out for any sign of unhappiness in yourself in whatever form—it may be the awakening pain-body. This can take the form of irritation, impatience, a somber mood, a desire to hurt, anger, rage, depression, a need to have some drama in your relationship and so on. Catch the pain-body the moment it awakens from its dormant stage.

                          2. Observe the resistance within yourself. Observe the attachment to your pain. Be very alert. Observe the peculiar pleasure you derive from being unhappy. Observe the compulsion to talk or think about it. The resistance will cease if you make it conscious.

                          3. Focus attention on the negative feeling inside you. Know that it is the pain-body. Accept that it is there. Don’t think about it—don’t let the feeling turn into thinking. Don’t judge yourself out of it. Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you.

 Sit comfortably and quietly. Let your body rest easily. Breathe gently. Let go of your thoughts, past and future, memories and plans. Just be present. Begin to let your own precious body reveal the places that most need healing.

Allow the physical pains, tension, disease, or wounds to show themselves. Bring a careful and kind attention to these painful places. Slowly and carefully feel their physical energy. Notice what is deep inside them, the pulsations, throbbing, tension, needles, fear, contraction, aching, that make up what we call pain. Allow these all to be felt fully, to be held in a receptive and kind attention. Then, be aware of the surrounding area of your body. If there is contraction and holding, notice this gently. Breathe softly and let it open.

In the same way, be aware of any aversion or resistance in your mind. Notice the thoughts and fears that accompany the pain you are exploring:
“It will never go away.”
“I can’t stand it.”
“I don’t deserve this.”
“It is too hard, too much trouble, too deep,” etc.

Let these thoughts rest in your kind attention for a time. Then gently return to your physical body. Let your awareness be deeper and more allowing now. Again, feel the layers of the place of pain, and allow each layer that opens to move, to intensify, or dissolve in its own time. Bring your attention to the pain as if you were gently comforting a child, holding it all in a loving and soothing attention. Breathe softly into it, accepting all that is present with a healing kindness.
Continue this meditation until you feel reconnected with whatever part of your body calls you, until you feel at peace.

 When a feeling or thought arises, your intention should not be to chase it away, hate it, worry about it, or be frightened by it. So what exactly should you be doing concerning such thoughts and feelings? Simply acknowledge their presence.
For example, when a feeling of sadness arises, immediately recognize it: “A feeling of sadness has just arisen in me.” If the feeling of sadness continues, continue to recognize: “A feeling of sadness is still in me.” If there is a thought like, “It’s late but the neighbors are surely making a lot of noise,” recognize that the thought has arisen. If the thought continues to exist, continue to recognize it. If a different feeling or thought arises, recognize it in the same manner.

The essential thing is not to let any feeling or thought arise without recognizing it in mindfulness, like a palace guard who is aware of every face that passes through the front corridor. If there are no feelings or thoughts present, then recognize that there are no feelings or thoughts present. Practicing like this is to become mindful of your feelings and thoughts. You will soon arrive at taking hold of your mind.

Namaste’ G.

Thoughts Cause Our Suffering Not Events

Most of us grew up believing that that external events and people made us feel one way or another. It was always someone else’s fault why we were upset. When we believe this thought it gives all our power away. We feel a sense of hopelessness. The only way we can stay happy or calm is to control others and make them do what we want.

This implies you’re not responsible for your own feelings or reactions to events. If something outside of you is causing your feelings then how can you be held responsible? This creates the ‘victim virus’ that many people have.

We all receive and perceive information differently. If we didn’t then anytime someone had a feeling triggered by an event it would follow that everybody would feel the same way about the event, but that isn’t what happens.

 Our feelings are directly linked to our thoughts and beliefs. What would our lives be like if we did not use the words (should, would, or could?) These words create a lot of emotional and internal pain. When we live in the land of shoulds, woulds, and could we are living in our own fantasy land. A world in which we have created so we do not have not live in our own reality. We use these words with others, ‘He should get his act together.’ ‘If she would stop being so demanding I would be happier.’ ‘They could have knocked before they came in the door.’ I should get my act together.’ ‘I could have been more understanding.’ I would be happier if.’

How many times a day do we live in our little fantasy worlds of woulds, coulds, and shoulds wasting the hours away and not being present in the now and dealing with ‘What Is.’ Life is so much easier and we have much more choice when we can accept what is. Saying you should not be a certain way or feel a certain way just strengthens the feeling behind the thought. There is no love, compassion, or empathy from this self defeating space.

Shoulds represented towards another person usually represent an attempt to control that person’s behavior. Because that person is doing something that makes us uncomfortable. Our demands are always generated around wanting to make ourselves more comfortable. This is selfish and self centered behavior and it shows conditional love. In relationships shoulds are used to assign blame for a conflict rather than to help solve it. Each person resists accepting the blame and both parties end up feeling more distant and distrustful leaving the original issue unresolved.

Learning to describe your feelings is good start for awareness and change.

I have worked with many people over the years some addicts some not. Many people do not know how to identify their feelings. They do not know what they are feeling. This keeps you in a (no responsibility) mode for your feelings and your life situations. There can not be change until we can finally accept and take responsibility, and stop blaming others for our miserable lives. We create our lives. Yes. We are that powerful.

 Not everyone is able to jump into the body and process their feelings. Many are afraid of their feelings. Working with the mind is a nice easy way to get started. Its like coming through the back door. Here at the steps.

 Something happens in your life and thoughts and feelings arise. When you have time (make time) sit down and write it out.

Describe the thoughts you had when you were upset. Don’t exclude a thought because you now see how unreasonable it was at the time. The lesson here is to identify your thoughts and the ones that are unreasonable are the ones causing you the most pain.

 Ask yourself 4 questions…

Is it true?

Is it 100% true?

How do you feel or behave when you believe this thought?

Where in your body do you feel it?

 Allow it intensify it welcome it and breathe through it.

 Looking at our thoughts is powerful and we can change our thinking by doing this. We begin to see that our thoughts are random and they come and go. We also see that we think the same thoughts over and over each day. Bringing awareness to our thinking helps let go of unwanted emotions. It allows us to breathe and instead of fix, change, and control so we can be okay.

Understanding Why We Have Feelings

Feelings come and go they are constantly changing. Being energy beings feelings are constantly moving through our bodies. Different feelings create a different energy vibration. You can think of this as a frequency. When something happens in our lives an energetic frequency is created and depending on how intense the experience is depends on the surge or energy that is going to over take the body system.

Feelings are neither good nor bad. We as humans with our analytical mind and thinking need to know what is happening to us, thus we have names for feelings and some of those names come with heavy burdensome labels.

You don’t’ need to justify or judge your experience when it comes to your own feelings you just need to allow them and be present to what the body is trying to tell you. When we are experiencing a great deal of pain and sadness in our lives this is the bodies way of telling you you’re out of alignment for what is true and joyful for you.

However, the mind gets involved and many times overrides the body’s needs. This is what creates the mind-body disconnect and allows the body to fall into a dis-eased state.

Nobody feels good all the time that is unrealistic. We live in a world where we are meant to experience duality. As Buddha says, ‘we will experience pain, but suffering is optional.’

Pain is created when the mind gets attached to something. A person, beliefs, self image, things, etc… It comes from a place of fear always. Thinking that we are going to loose something we already have or we are not going to get what we think we need in order to be okay or happy.

The truth is we are always okay. We are designed with an intelligence within us that allows us to be self sufficient needing very little from the outside world. When we think we need something to be okay or happy. It tells the mind-body system that there is something wrong with us.

So, how do we overcome our own self defeating behaviors and attitudes?

 Well, first there has to be awareness that your best thinking is not serving you well. Second, you need to start exploring the thoughts that lead to unwanted outcomes.Unpleasant thoughts create unpleasant feelings. Unpleasant feelings create self defeating behaviors. Self defeating behaviors create negative results.

 With this cycle its no wonder our feelings influence our actions. This cycle is learned in early childhood and continues till the awareness to break it comes. When someone does not know how to go into the body and process a negative or unpleasant feeling then the body is going to ask for relief. When we are young the relief may come in the form of nail biting, watching TV, bulimia, anorexia, or in extreme cases leaving the body etc… but as we get older the feelings and the pain get more intense having not been processed and as adults we can easily turn to mind altering chemicals.

Using any mind altering chemical or substance is a self defeating behavior and does not support life itself. Why? Because it does not resolve or improve the situation that is producing the unpleasant feelings and often other negative habits and problems are created. The person is not dealing with their reality of ‘What Is’ and making life affirming choices and actions to move beyond the unpleasant feeling or situation.

It creates a vicious cycle because for many that start out using drugs or alcohol for recreational purposes and good times just the opposite is created and more unpleasant feelings pile on top of the unpleasant feelings that are still there and unprocessed in the mind body system. This leads to continued drug and alcohol use with more negative experiences all in the name of ‘fun’ and wanting to ‘chill out’ this cycle is what leads to addiction.

Similarly, someone who considers themselves depressed avoids healthy sources of support such as family, friends, education, therapy etc… resulting in isolation which leads to a sense of shame which leads into further isolation and shame.

Having unpleasant or negative feelings that haunt and live within the halls of our inner sanctuary is dangerous to our over all well being. Learning how to deal and process said feelings when they arise lessens the chances of acting out in self defeating ways and creating negative results for ourselves.

When we feel better we are more likely to act from a place of awareness and get positive results that affirm life not only for ourselves but others.

Namaste’ G.

Suffering From Victimitis

The victim virus: suffering-addiction

To play the role of victim is part of a very old cultural model, as old as our civilization. We find this pattern in all of human history. Today, it’s present in the books we read, in the TV programs we watch, in the daily news, in religions, in national policies and international diplomatic relations, in schools, in couples, in the family, in friendships, and so on and so forth.

We’re so used to this role that it has become an addiction. In fact, this addiction is a socially accepted one in which much physical, mental and emotional misery is perpetuated. To be a victim is a cultural game that has already taken, and continues to take, many casualties among us.

The person who plays the role of victim is suffering for different reasons and causes. She may suffer because of unfulfilled basic needs, physical ailments or illnesses, lack of energy, fatigue, helplessness, despair, indifference, unachieved recognition, confusion, betrayal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse, or because she has been manipulated, exploited, oppressed, abandoned, persecuted, among other things.

The resonance that is activated when we feel like a victim generates unconscious thoughts and behaviors, and we find ourselves silently or outwardly complaining, blaming ourselves or others, or life, or God. This chronic complaining state creates inner contractions that prevent essential energies from flowing as they should, and drain our élan vital. This is extremely debilitating.

According to the law of attraction and its principles, when we send out the resonance of “the victim,” we attract to us persons and situations that will make us suffer. Furthermore, we can’t make the most of the experience we’re living and will repeat them endlessly in various ways.

The victim “virus” leads us to perceive ourselves as an entity separated from the whole, having constantly to defend or attack. This “virus” also gives rise to a chronic fear resonance and sets forth a vicious cycle:

The more afraid I am, the more separated I feel;
the more separated I feel, the more alone I am;
the more alone I am, the more must I protect myself from what others may do to me, or from what can happen to me;
the more I must protect and defend myself, the more guilty I find the other;
the more I blame and accuse the other, the more separated I feel;
the more separated I feel, the more afraid I am.

In this way this vicious cycle, the root cause of human suffering, returns to its beginnings.

How to detect when one is playing the role of victim

When playing the role of victim

– we react unconsciously to everything;
– our mind constantly creates situations full of anxiety or worry;
– we think, interpret and analyze (inwardly or outwardly);
– we deny what we feel (“Everything is all right,” “There’s no problem”);
– we suppress our emotions (with rigidity, contractions, tensions, and illnesses);
– we tend to engage in “dramatic” situations and with “dramatic” persons;
– we permanently speak about what “should” and “shouldn’t” be done;
– we complain about ourselves and others;
– we inwardly or outwardly judge, criticize, accuse, and blame anyone;
– we repeat past situations again and again in our mind;
– we find it very difficult to forgive, and keep very old resentments;
– we want to take revenge and “collect debts”;
– we resort to our painful past when having to act or make decisions in the present;
– we are afraid of the future and of what it may have in store for us;
– we rehearse again and again what we shall do or say;
– we aren’t aware of the present and ignore it completely.

Now, write down which of these traits is true in your case.

The model of self-responsibility

The model of self-responsibility is the opposite of the role of victim, it implies honoring life, and is connected with the body of light.

The way to achieve it is:

– Acknowledging:
“I’m scared, angry, sad, excited, enthused, attracted by…”
– Localizing:
Realizing in what part of the body is exactly localized the sensation.
– Permitting:
Moving oneself, shaking oneself, stretching, emitting sounds…
– Intensifying:
Amplifying to the greatest possible degree what one feels.
– Breathing…

Exercise For Dissolving The Pain Body

Here are three ways to observe and dissolve the pain-body:

                          1. Watch out for any sign of unhappiness in yourself in whatever form—it may be the awakening pain-body. This can take the form of irritation, impatience, a somber mood, a desire to hurt, anger, rage, depression, a need to have some drama in your relationship and so on. Catch the pain-body the moment it awakens from its dormant stage.

                          2. Observe the resistance within yourself. Observe the attachment to your pain. Be very alert. Observe the peculiar pleasure you derive from being unhappy. Observe the compulsion to talk or think about it. The resistance will cease if you make it conscious.

                          3. Focus attention on the negative feeling inside you. Know that it is the pain-body. Accept that it is there. Don’t think about it—don’t let the feeling turn into thinking. Don’t judge yourself out of it. Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you.

  Sit comfortably and quietly. Let your body rest easily. Breathe gently. Let go of your thoughts, past and future, memories and plans. Just be present. Begin to let your own precious body reveal the places that most need healing.

Allow the physical pains, tension, disease, or wounds to show themselves. Bring a careful and kind attention to these painful places. Slowly and carefully feel their physical energy. Notice what is deep inside them, the pulsations, throbbing, tension, needles, fear, contraction, aching, that make up what we call pain. Allow these all to be felt fully, to be held in a receptive and kind attention. Then, be aware of the surrounding area of your body. If there is contraction and holding, notice this gently. Breathe softly and let it open.

In the same way, be aware of any aversion or resistance in your mind. Notice the thoughts and fears that accompany the pain you are exploring:
“It will never go away.”
“I can’t stand it.”
“I don’t deserve this.”
“It is too hard, too much trouble, too deep,” etc.

Let these thoughts rest in your kind attention for a time. Then gently return to your physical body. Let your awareness be deeper and more allowing now. Again, feel the layers of the place of pain, and allow each layer that opens to move, to intensify, or dissolve in its own time. Bring your attention to the pain as if you were gently comforting a child, holding it all in a loving and soothing attention. Breathe softly into it, accepting all that is present with a healing kindness.

Continue this meditation until you feel reconnected with whatever part of your body calls you, until you feel at peace.

 When a feeling or thought arises, your intention should not be to chase it away, hate it, worry about it, or be frightened by it. So what exactly should you be doing concerning such thoughts and feelings? Simply acknowledge their presence.

For example, when a feeling of sadness arises, immediately recognize it: “A feeling of sadness has just arisen in me.” If the feeling of sadness continues, continue to recognize: “A feeling of sadness is still in me.” If there is a thought like, “It’s late but the neighbors are surely making a lot of noise,” recognize that the thought has arisen. If the thought continues to exist, continue to recognize it. If a different feeling or thought arises, recognize it in the same manner.

The essential thing is not to let any feeling or thought arise without recognizing it in mindfulness, like a palace guard who is aware of every face that passes through the front corridor. If there are no feelings or thoughts present, then recognize that there are no feelings or thoughts present. Practicing like this is to become mindful of your feelings and thoughts. You will soon arrive at taking hold of your mind.

Namaste’ G.

Ideas For Moving Beyond Shame

In my final installment on shame here are some effective ways to move forward from the debilitating effects.

• Sharing of shortcomings with trusted friends: First and foremost, we must be willing to open the door, to begin sharing something of our inner selves with others. This involves finding someone trusted, someone who is a good listener and not quick to judgment. It means taking some risks, as many people may be unwilling–or unable–to be safe harbors for our vulnerabilities, failures, and shortcomings. Test the waters by sharing some small issues with others who seem trustworthy–or perhaps even better, by being open to others who may be willing to share their pain in some small way with you. Nothing builds the trust of others quite like your own vulnerability: it signals a willingness to establish a relationship based on true intimacy. We all put our best foot forward, expending great energy at maintaining our masks. But at the same time, we all hunger for the intimacy of being truly open with another.

 

•  Learn to listen: Our isolation begins to lessen when we hear our story repeated by others. As we begin to hear the bits and pieces of our own experiences, failures, and struggles in the lives of others, the uniqueness–and the shame–of our own experiences begins to lessen. We develop compassion for the struggles of others–and thereby become willing to accept our own shortcomings. Becoming mutually vulnerable is the essence of true, intimate relationships–and to achieve this we must be willing both to share our own weaknesses and to accept those of others.

 

• Honesty: Deceit and shame go hand-in-hand–dishonesty with self and others is a requisite for the maintenance of the autocracy of shame. Dishonesty becomes habitual, making life far more complicated and difficult than one based on openness and truth. The main driving force for deceit is fear: fear of discovery, of condemnation, of judgment, of rejection. In reality, the consequences of honesty about our failures and shortcomings–particularly with those we trust and with whom we reciprocate acceptance–is far less onerous that of sustaining the fragile edifice of a life of lies.

 

• The importance of forgiveness: When you begin to make yourself open to others, trusting them, you will sooner or later get hurt–perhaps intentionally, more likely inadvertently. Count on it, it’s a sure bet. Once it happens, you then have some choices: you can withdraw, no longer exposing yourself to the pain, or strike back, or carry a resentment. These approaches are proven shamebuilders: they do little or nothing to visit revenge on our offenders, but rather replay the injury over and over (re-SENT-ment: to experience–to feel–again), reinforcing our loneliness and worthlessness. Forgiveness allows you to move on. It may mean taking the risk of confronting the one who has hurt you–a terrifying thought for a shame-based person–but such courage pays off in restored relationships at best, or maintaining your dignity at worst. Courage is not acting without fear, it is acting in spite of fear–and is the best antidote to fear, as reality is virtually never as bad as the scenarios our fearful minds fabricate. Bear the pain, reconcile where possible, and move on from there.

 

• Other-orientation: We are designed to give, but have been programmed to receive. We try to fill our inner emptiness by getting: material stuff, the attention and admiration of others, pleasure, the oblivion of drugs or alcohol, food, sex, success, achievements in work or society. None of it works–the emptiness remains, as we are not worth something because we have something. We become worth something when we give–when our actions and efforts are helping others, improving their lives, giving them joy, help, comfort, support. This is why someone like Mother Theresa experienced a richness in life unmatched by endless hosts of wealthy, famous celebrities or business billionaires. We nod, agreeing that this is so–but no one wants to walk her path: we lack her faith, and her calling. But we don’t need to move to Calcutta to start down the same path: we can begin in small ways, one little act at a time. Make an effort to help someone out each day, somebody who doesn’t deserve it, perhaps someone you don’t like or would rather avoid. Do it when you’re too busy, or self-absorbed, or too tired. Do it willfully, not grudgingly. Don’t do it with any expectation of return. Try it–and watch miracles begin to happen, in your life and those around you.

Namaste’  G.

The Difference Between Guilt and Shame (Part3)

In my previous posts on guilt and shame, I discussed their nature and differences, their impact on personal and social lives, and our individual unhappiness. No matter how much pain or suffering is wrapped around shame we have to find a way to process and overcome if we are to bring a measure of joy and peace to ourselves and loved ones.

Shame is the most private of personal emotions, thriving in the dark, secluded lairs of our souls. It is the secret never told, the fears never revealed, the dread of exposure and abandonment, our harshest judge and most merciless prosecutor. Yet like the Wizard of Oz, the man behind the curtain is far less intimidating than his booming voice in oursubconscious mind. The power of shame is the secret; its antidotes, transparency and grace. Shame thrives in the dark recesses of the mind, where its accusations are amplified by repetition without external reference. Shame becomes self-verifying, as each new negative thought or emotion reinforces the theme that we are rejected and without worth. It is only by allowing the light of openness, trust, and honesty that this vicious cycle may be broken.

The barriers to this liberating openness are fear and mistrust: fear that revelation of our darkest selves will lead to rejection, pain and humiliation; and lack of trust that the sharing of such darkness will be used against us to our detriment. This fear and mistrust lock us into a self-imposed prison from which there is seemingly no escape. Our only recourse becomes the adaptive but destructive defenses of withdrawal, self-attack, avoidance, or aggression. The most dangerous type of infections in medicine are those occurring in a closed space. As the bacteria grow, they generate increasing pressure which drive deadly toxins into the bloodstream. Oh a process? It is not something to be done lightly, as there are many who cannot bear such disclosure–and who may indeed use it against us. It is for this reason–this reasonable fear (amplified many times over in the echoes of our inner chambers of shame)–that many will not take this step until life circumstances become so difficult or painful thnly by uncovering and draining the abscess can the infection be treated and health restored. And so it is with shame: we must take that which is most painful, most toxic, and release it, lest we become even more emotionally and spiritually sick.

So just how do we go about sucat they have no other choice. Hence you will find this process first in the alcoholic at their bottom, at the therapist for intractable depression, at the counselor after divorce, etc… But do we need to wait for such disasters before beginning the process of addressing shame? There are a number of principles to begin the journey from shame to sanity and Peace. I will share a couple of them today and more in the next posting.

 • Grace and mercy: Grace is receiving what we do not deserve; mercy is not receiving what we do deserve. Shame tells us we deserve nothing good, that we are tried, convicted, and condemned both by ourselves and by others. Grace trumps shame by not waiting until we are worthy, or worthwhile, or “fixed”, but by accepting us right where we are, just as we are. It must be experienced–it cannot be appropriated by logic, reason, will or effort. It is, indeed, anti-logical. It starts when you tell a friend a painful, dark secret–and hear that he has done far worse. It begins with terror at relating humiliating events, and ends with laughter and perspective about those same events. It arrives when you tell of hurting another, and receive not condemnation but understanding and guidance on repairing the damage and restoring relationships.

 •Faith: People struggling with guilt and shame often turn to religion for answers and relief. This is not invariably a wise decision: religion can be of enormous benefit in overcoming these liabilities–but can also greatly exacerbate them. Guilt and shame are the golden hooks of toxic religion and religious cults, and even mainstream religious denominations which have a highly legalistic emphasis can cause far more harm than good. Cults and toxic religion lure the wounded by offering “unconditional love”–which later proves very conditional indeed. You are accepted only when you rigorously follow the rules–which may be arbitrary, capricious, or even unspoken–and interaction with “unbelievers” outside the sect is severely restricted, leading to isolation, ritualism, and depersonalization–and severe rejection should you choose to leave. Becoming enmeshed with such groups, driven by shame, is highly detrimental and a recipe for personal and emotional disaster. But true grace-based faith and spirituality can transform shame into service, guilt into gratitude. It finds the balance between a God who is just and One who is merciful. It is a place where love accepts us with all our imperfections and shortcomings–yet desires their removal that we may live with more joy and purpose, not hiding our flaws but using our own brokenness to restore, heal, and lift up others.

Our shame, our brokenness, brings us great pain and wreaks much destruction in our lives. Yet it is by this very means that God equips us to be the hands, the heart, the voice, and compassion. In such can be found a purpose in life unmatched by anything else we might wish for or desire. Such are the ways of the Gods endless surprise and limitless grace if we can ask for it and accept it.

Namaste, G.