Mirroring in Relationships

By using the reflection of what is emotionally charged in our relationships to gain greater understanding about ourselves. By understanding, accepting and integrating those previously hidden traits within us, we transform how we relate to the outer world and our relationships.

Once we recognize that the world is a projection of our consciousness then we also recognize that the only way to change the world in a meaningful way is to bring about a shift in our own consciousness. The world is a mirror in every moment, in every situation, in every circumstance, and in every relationship. Each of us inhabits a private world although our private world is enmeshed with each other to create a consensual reality.

As applied to relationships, the mirror of relationship becomes an important tool for personal transformation and ultimately social change as well. There is one simple principle to follow: those that we love and are emotionally attracted to, and those that we are distressed or repelled by emotionally, are both mirrors of our own self. We are attracted to those people in whom we find traits that we have and we want more of and we are repelled by those in whom we find traits that we deny in ourselves.

Think of a person in your life, say a beloved aunt, or a public figure that you find immensely admirable. Write down the traits that you find attractive in them. You have these traits in you as well, but you only need to actualize and manifest them more in you life. Similarly, write down the traits of a person who distresses you emotionally. He or she is definitely not the person you want to spend the weekend in Hawaii with. Understand that these traits are contained in you also. They may not be obvious to you, but it is frequently obvious to others who know you well. These negative traits are brought to the surface when you are under stress. By becoming more aware of the traits we admire in others, we help augment and manifest those abilities in our own life. When we recognize that the characteristics that repel us in others are within us too, then we diffuse the power that those shadow traits hold on us in that state of denial. We accept the wholeness of ourselves in compassion and create a different relationship than before.

Years ago, I remember being confronted by a woman in a seminar who insisted on three hours of my time. I told her that in the midst of all the other people’s needs here, that it was not possible for me to give her that much of my personal time. She became furious and yelled, “Then why do you write books that say anything is possible?” Then she continued to verbally abuse me in front of the group. Later when I had a moment alone, I thought that because of the emotional effect this had on me that something is going on here that I should look at more closely. I wrote down all those traits about her that bothered me. I listed: rudeness, impatience, anger, aggressiveness, and being demanding. I phoned my wife, told her what I was doing and asked if she ever noticed these traits in me. There was a long silence on the other end. In that moment I realized that I too could display every one of those unpleasant traits when I was under pressure.

Once I accepted that I too had those traits in me, and was comfortable with the fact that I had both positive and negative qualities, I also become comfortable that the same is true of everyone else as well. We all are some combination of saint and sinner. This had two effects: I was not so judgmental about myself and, in turn, I was also less judgmental about others. Recognition of our shared humanity, with all its various displays, brings forth compassion. From that time forward, my relationship with this woman dramatically improved over the next few days. It wasn’t because I said or behaved differently but because I was no longer radiating, even in subtle form, those unpleasant traits. The world we experience is a projection of our consciousness, with all of these different positive and negative qualities. So when we transform our consciousness through insight, and compassion, we change that projection of the world and that means our experience and relationships change as well.

Despite knowing the nature of relationship and how it is a mirror in every moment, I can still find myself occasionally feeling personally offended or reacting with self-righteousness. However I’ve noticed over the years even when I strongly disagree with people and dislike what they do, there is less and less a dislike for them as individuals. I continue to find opportunities to learn how to separate disliking people’s actions from the people who perform those actions. This is slow patient work, but over time it has the cumulative effect of bringing more ease, comfort and spontaneity into every aspect of life. Don’t be too hard on yourself that you can’t change yourself instantly.

A useful exercise is to bring to mind those people who elicit in you a strong emotional charge one way or another. Write down all the positive and negative qualities that you have identified in them. (You may be attracted or repelled by a quality, but if there is no emotional charge associated with it, then it is not acting as a mirror for you.) Mix up all these pieces of paper with the various qualities written on them, put them in a circle, and underneath that circle write “that’s me.” Say to yourself “thank you God for making me so interesting.” The secret to accepting the world and changing it is to accept yourself as you are, right now, in all your diverse, contradictory splendor. With that acceptance comes compassion and gratitude, and from that change in the relationship and the world follows automatically.

~ by Gary Jacobsson on July 13, 2009.