Resonances within Relationships
Relationships are a mirror. We always attract to us what we are not willing to look at within oursleves in a partner. We keep believing that repetition of the past will resolve the issue. Our wounds can only become gateways to our healing when we become willing to be with them in a new way. When we take full responsibility for our feelings it gives us the ability to shed tears and do the grief work that is necessary to feel joy again. As long as we choose to stay unconscious to our resonances we remain in a fearful place standing on the edge of the cliff knowing we need to jump into the abyss below, but remaining paralyzed to do so because of the fear of the unknown. The fear of what is beyond the murky abyss.
Freud wrote, “Every conflict has to be fought out in the sphere of the transference… for when all is said and done it is impossible to destroy anyone in absentia or effigy.” We may not be able to cause pains to the one’s that hurt us in the past, but we can cause pain those we love now. Here is how a transference may look in a conflict.
A female partners yells at her male lover. The event triggers a cellular memory and brings forth images or the voice of his dad. He seethed because he still feels intense anger towards his father for being told what to do and who he should be. The triggered anger is aimed at both a partner and a father, and perhaps another as well. Our feelings can become so dramatic and entangled. They seldom emerge from a pure state of consciousness just between two people. Since no relationship is between just two people there are always at least 4 players involved in the cellular memory that is being triggered in the moment for healing. Our resonances are rich with feelings, stories, concepts, projections, and beliefs.
On the other hand our raw healthy feelings simply flow without prejudice or censorship. Anger attached to a perceived injustice by a partner usually has elements of blame, judgment, and unrealistic expectations familiar from the anger of a parent towards us in childhood. When we contact our feelings through such a murky layer of Ego we can naturally assume more is happening than just the current situation. These sensitive overlays of emotion are clues as to how we felt in childhood.
We may stay too long in what does not work, that is to become codependent. We may keep trying to fix a loved one. We may keep being patient with their trespasses against our boundaries or those of our children. The struggle is to adjust to a relationship that is dysfunctional or hurtful is not as useful as the struggle to decide what to do. The decision is the same as working with the resonance itself, to address the issue so it can be worked through so change can be the result.
A partner or sibling who refuses to participate is no longer a partner, but a threat to our well-being. This is where fear can become a trap that paralyzes us further or a signal that it is time to set ourselves free. Codependency is coined originally from referring to a partner of an alcoholic; it was intended to show alcoholism is a family/relationship disease. The nondrinker enables the other to continue in their addiction by making excuses for them or staying with them despite the emotional or physical abuse. In times were consciousness was at a different level this was considered a sign of love or personal strength; to leave a person when their down would be selfish and not an act of love or support. Using this term codependency we can denote a problem in us to bridge a new healthier way to see what love is really about. To stay in painful situations with no prospect of change or hoping one will change is loyal, but it is not love. It is harmful to both parties. To see it this way we have to believe we have a right to happiness a cause and result of self-esteem!
Love is a two-way street a cause and result of healthy intimacy. We have to believe that unconditional love does not mean being unconditionally committed to staying stuck in a hopeless situation. This more mature balanced look at love is a result of balanced living when body/mind/spirit are in alignment. We can be set free from a life of endurance and have a life of receiving and giving. It is about love that includes being happy. The only way though for this to manifest is dealing with the resonances that continue to cause you pain in relationships.
